


i can tell that we are gonna be friends

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Gen, Unfinished, and various other charaters i cba to name, never will be finished
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-28
Updated: 2014-12-27
Packaged: 2018-03-03 22:30:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2890334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where Liam and Niall are in Hot Fuzz, and are totally badass.<br/>title from the white stripes song of the same name</p>
            </blockquote>





	i can tell that we are gonna be friends

**Author's Note:**

> (This was written about a year ago before I lost all interest in one direction)
> 
> dedicated to the bitch who fucked me over.

[posted in the London Metropolitan Police Service Bulletin)

Police Constable Liam Payne was born and schooled in Wolverhampton and graduated Wolverhampton University, with a double first in politics and sociology. He attended Bramshill College of Police Training and displayed great aptitude in field exercises. He passed theoretical coursework and final year examinations with flying colors.

Once established in the Met, he quickly found himself effective and popular within the community. He then improved his skill base with courses in advanced driving and cycling, Before he became heavily involved in a number of extra vocational activities. To this day, Liam holds the Met record for the 100 meter dash.

In 2013, he began active duty with the renowned SO 19 armed response unit. Received a bravery award for efforts in the resolution of Operation Crackdown. In the last 12 months he’s received nine special commendations and achieved the highest arrest record for any officer in the Met.

**  
  
  
  
**

Liam is, as always, on time. His schedule is hellish, but somehow he manages to make it to

work on time constantly, while still making time to feed and walk Loki. This morning, he has a meeting with the sergeant, he suspects a promotion, but he’s not quite sure. It’s tough out there.

He walks in quietly, knocking on the door as he walks in.

“Hello Liam.” Selena smiles, looking over some papers on her desk.

“Hello, Sergeant.” Liam says, cheery despite his hand aching.

“How’s the hand?” She asks, making a sympathetic face.

“Still a bit stiff, I haven’t been able to hit the gym quite as much”

“It’s tough out there! I’m surprised you didnt find yourself a nice desk job sooner! That’s what I did.”

“I like my office being out on the streets, y’know?”

“I’d say the same, but you can’t wear heels like these on the streets.” Selena laughs “But, I can definitely see that you think so! Your arrest record is about 300% higher than any other officers! Which is why, me and the boys have been thinking, it’s time your skills were put to better use.” She pauses, straightening the papers on her desk.

“We’re making you Seargent”.

“I see” He says nodding. He’ll save the dance building up inside him for later.

Selena mumbles something as she plays with one of the rings on her hands.

“Sorry?” Liam asks, always polite.

“In Sandford, Gloucestershire.”

“I’m sorry, I took geography GCSE, as far as I remember, that’s in the country?” Liam can feel a pout coming on. He’s grown fond of london.

“Yeah! It’s really pretty, lovely place.”

“I’m sorry, isn’t there a Sergeant's position in London?”

Selena makes a face “No.”

“Can’t I stay here as a PC?” Liam asks, getting desperate.

“No!”

“Do I get a choice?”

Selena laughs. “Nope!”

Liam frowns. “I kinda like it here. I’ve been setting up a life. I don’t really want to leave.”

“But haven’t you always wanted to move to the country?”

“When I’m older, maybe.”

“Well, good for you! Punched it in early!”

“Wait, I don’t remember ever talking to you about the country.”

Selena startles, fidgeting with her fingers. “Yes, you did. You said ‘I’d love to settle down in the country, someday.... Danielle”

Liam grits his teeth. “I’d like to speak to the inspector.”

“You can speak to her, but I swear, she’ll say the exact same thing that I did.” Selena grins. She picks up the phone and dials for Demi.

“Hey, Liam. How’s the hand?” Demi asks, ducking into the room.

“Still a bit stiff” Liam repeats.

“And how are things at home, eh?” Demi asks, waggling her eyebrows.

“Pardon me?” Liam asks.

“Well, how’s Danielle?” Demi asks. Selena coughs into her hands.

“We’re no longer together.” Liam says,looking down at his hands.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. But where are you staying?” Demi asks, looking apologetic.

“He’s living in a hotel right now” Selena interrupts.

“Well, I guess you’re packed already then! Liam, we’re offering you a great job, with a cute cottage, in a sweet town that’s won village of the year, i can’t even count how many times” Demi says.

“It’ll be good for you. Get away from memories of the break up, you know?” Selena says.

“I don’t know what to say.” Liam says, rubbing his hand behind his neck.

Demi puts her arm around Selena. “Yes?”

“Thank you” Selena says, laughing.

“I’m sorry, but I think I’m gonna have to....”

“You want to take this higher?” Selena raises her eyebrows.

“Yes. Yes, I do.” Liam says defiantly.

“You want me to bother the chief inspector with this?”

“Yes.”

“You want me to get Katy Perry to come all the way down here?”

“Yes. I’m sorry, but I really do.”

“Alright.” Selena says, drawing in a breath before shouting out the door “KATY!”

Katy walks in “Hey, Liam, how’s the hand?”

“Still a bit stiff” Selena and Demi parrot at her as they and Liam begin to stand up.

“Stay seated” Katy says, pulling up a chair to Demi’s desk.

“Now, I know what you think, but the thing is” Katy pauses trying to think how to phrase it. “You’ve been making us look bad.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am?” Liam frowns. He thought he’d been doing the station proud, excelling as he had been.

“I mean, we all appreciate your efforts, but you’ve been letting us down. There’s no I in team, you’re not the sheriff of London.” Katy says, face completely serious. If Liam didn’t know better, he’d think this was a prank.

Selena interrupts Katy “If we let you continue running around town, you’ll continue to be fantastic. And we really can’t have that. You’ll put us out of a job!”

Liam crosses his arms, getting angry. “With all respect ma’am, you can’t just make me disappear!”

Katy twirls some of her hair around her finger. “Yes I can! I’m Katy Perry, I’m the chief inspector.” She laughs.

“Well, there’s one thing you haven’t thought of. And that’s what everyone else is going to think of this.” Liam says, standing and pushing the door open.

Where he finds, a giant banner with “Good Luck Liam!!” sprawled across it in giant letters, and all of the service standing with party poppers and smiles on their faces. His face falls.

**  
  
**

The next few hours involve diligently packing up the remains of his old life while Loki runs around his feet. He knows somethings happening. He was like this before the break up as well.

He ends up taking Loki for a run. It’s always good for him, and it makes it so Loki isn’t jumping up and down and barking at stray pigeons all night. They’re slowing down when he passes Danielle’s studio. He ties Loki outside and goes inside to break the news about his moving.

He pulls out his mobile and dials her number. He’s deleted it from his contacts but he still has it memorized.

“Hello?”

“Danielle, it’s me.”

“I know. I’m at work.”

“I know,I’m actually outside? Bit of a story really. What’s going on?”

“You know what’s going on, we’ve talked about this.”

“I meant here.”

“Two people, not going very well, signs of trouble in the relationship. It’s a bit of a mess, really.”

“You’re talking about your clients, right?”

“Liam, what do you want?”

“I have something to tell you and I didn’t really want to do it over the... phone”

He walks in, nodding to Veronica the receptionist as she goes.

“Danielle I’ve been transferred. I’m moving to the country for a while.” He says, looking at his feet.

“I know. Matt told me. He’s taking dance lessons now, did you know?” Danielle says, stretching out. She’s trying to act as if everythings normal. It’s not working too well.

“I wanted to tell you in person. There’s no reason for us not to be friends. We were talking about getting married not too long ago.”

“Yes, but you’ve been married for years. To the force.” She says bitterly.

He resists the urge for a few seconds before correcting her. “We’re actually supposed to call it the service, force is too aggressive.”

“You just proved my point! It’s always the job with you! It’s all you care about”

“Hey-” Liam starts but he’s interrupted.

“No, thats unfair. you do care about the dog.”

“His name is Loki and you know it.”

“You just can’t turn off can you Liam?” Danielle’s almost yelling now. “And until you find someone you really care about, you never will”. Her eyes soften slightly.

She kisses forehead, and smiles. “Have a good time in the countryside, Leemo. By the way, there’s something I have to tell you.”

“You’re dating again.” Liam laughs. “I’m glad you’re happy! Is it Matt?”

Danielle laughs with him “Does Matt look like my type? No, Nick and I have been going out.”

“Right.”

“Oh, Liam. I will miss you.” She says fondly.

“You know she’s doing her stretches wrong” Liam says, tilting his head towards one of the new interns.

Danielle sighs.

**  
  
  
**

Liam’s heading to the train station the next day when he gets a call.

“Hi, Liam. Simon Cowell here, your new inspector. I’m just calling with the details of your housing. We’ve got you a cottage on Spencer Hill. Looking forward to meeting you.”

It all seems alright, if not really what he wants but then he gets another call.

“Liam. Simon again. One more thing about your cottage. It’s won’t be ready for another month”

Liam sighs.

**  
  
**

The trains are horrible.They’re pretty much empty, but Loki is restless the whole way, having never been on a train before. He has to switch several times, and there's an hour long break between trains at one point.

The last train is barely an hour long, and is not as bad as the first trains. He takes a cab to the hotel they’ve offered to put him up at, some family run thing that promises a nice room and a comfy bed. It’s pouring rain, and Loki is soaked.

**  
  
  
**

Arriving at the hotel is a bit like stepping back in time. There’s old-timey music playing on what Liam swears is one of the old fashioned music players, he can’t quite remember what they're called.

He walks across the old carpet, treading gingerly past a loudly snoring old man, making his way  to the desk. There’s an older woman doing a crossroad at the desk and she doesn’t look up as he approaches.

Liam hums noncommittally “I’d like to check in, please”

“Check in? But you’ve always been here?”

Liam splutters “Excuse me?” as the woman looks up. She’s got blonde hair in a bun on her head and a pair of blue spectacles and a pinched look around her face. Liam thinks she looks a bit like a librarian.

“Oh dear, I’m so sorry! I thought you were my husband. You must be Sergeant Payne” Liam nods his head, eyebrows scrunched together as he considers the probability of her not hearing her husband’s snores. She’s probably grown used to it after so many years, he would guess.

“I’m Allison Goldberg” She continues, as Liam commits the name to memory “Hope the train’s weren’t too bad. Fascist.“

Liams eyebrows jump. He’s not entirely sure the definition of that word, but he’s pretty sure it’s not good, and not something someone would say to a stranger. “I beg your pardon?”

“A political ideology characterized by extreme violence. seven across.” she says triumphantly and she fills in the crossword in pencil, before realizing her mistake, and writing fascism instead.

She passes him some keys while telling him about his room, nothing he hasn’t already heard from Simon. He passes the few moments by reading her crossword.

“I’ll just make my own way up then.” He says, giving her a small smile “Hag.”

Her face grows even more pinched, and her glasses fall down her nose. “I beg your pardon.”

“Frightful old woman considered evil or ugly. 12 down!” He grins now, pointing at the crossword.

She laughs, and as usual he’s delighted to get a smile. “God bless you.”

**  
  
**

He walks up to his room, placing Loki’s bed on the ground near his bed and watching Loki sniff around the room.

“Not quite home is it?” He asks, suddenly dreadfully missing his mum.

Loki, as per the norm, doesn’t respond, merely curls up in his bed and starts to snore softly. It’s only about 8 PM but he’s had a fair few walks today and its nice to not be worrying about him. Liam’s not quite sure if this counts as late in the country, but he supposes he could go to the pub for a little while. He’d like some company.

**  
  
**

The pub is almost across the street, and Liam really sees what a small village it is. The village is quiet, and everything explodes with noise as he steps into the pub. It’s homey, and it’s all doused in a yellow light.

“What can I get you then?” One of the bartenders asked, a greying man with a kind smile.

Liam thinks, which is difficult considering he doesn’t have much of a brain. “Could I have a glass of apple juice, please?”

He laughs “Of course. You’re not by any chance the new policeman?” He says, grabbing some juice from a fridge behind the bar.

Liam smiles “Police officer, yeah. I’m Liam Payne.”

The man smiles at him, Liam’s glad to see a friendly face. “I’m Arthur, and this is the missus, Beth.” He says, pulling her close to him.

“Beth” She repeats, smiling and shaking his hand “Welcome to Sanford, If there’s anything you need, feel free to come to us.”

Liam smiles, reluctantly charmed “Thanks. Could I borrow your paper?” and watches as their faces fall.

“Oh, thats not ours. Not a big fan of the tabloids, are we B?” He turns to his wife who shakes her head.

He continues “They listed her age as fifty-five.”

“When I’m actually 53” She laughs before getting called across the bar by a call for another pint. Liam settles down to read the paper. It’s not terribly interesting, mostly facts about locals and announcements of children and marriages. He’s almost getting into an article about a proposed bypass when he hears an almost childlike laugh. Looking around the bar, he notices it’s filled to the brim with teenagers, almost none of which look old enough to be drinking.

Liam knows the whole “boys will be boys” adage and he knows that this is a small town, but he can’t stand to see underage kids drinking. Thank god he brought his badge.

He walks up to a ginger kid who’s got a pretentious looking guitar case slung over the back of his chair.

“You. What’s your birthday.”

“17th of February.” The kid says, grinning tipsily up at him. Liam rolls his eyes.

“What year?”

“Every year.” he says sarcastically.

Liam is done with this bullshit. “Get out.”

The kid and his friends wander out grumbling as they go. Clearly this isn’t something that’s happened to them before, if the slurs mumbled under their breaths are any indication.

He repeats the substitute several times, getting the normal reactions, panicked moaning in one case, and a kid claiming to be around 60 in another. It’s nothing he can’t handle, even if it is a little funny. By the time he’s finished, the pub is almost empty, and Arthur and Beth are walking up to him, frowns on their faces.

“Is there a problem Officer?” Beth asks, smiling kindly at him.

“Yes, I’m sorry, but there is. Quite a few of your customers are underage.”

“Some of them may be a month or two under the limit, but if they’re in here, they’re not getting into trouble out there. The way we see it, s’all for the greater good.” Arthur says, smile getting a slight bit creepy towards the end.

“The greater good.” Beth repeats, in the kind of tone that implies cult-like activity. Definitely creepy.

“I’m sorry, but the law’s the law. they’ve gotta go.” Liam says, putting as much firmness into his voice as he can muster. He doesn’t want to play the bad cop immediately, especially not in a small town where he’s upsetting the status quo, but he can’t let law breaking pass by him.

Arthur and Beth look crestfallen and can only watch as he goes back to his paper.

**  
  
  
**

About five minutes later, Liam leaves, wanting to get home and have an early night before his first day on the job.

A drunk fellow follows him out the door but Liam loses track of him when he pauses to look at the rather shiny plaque on the fountain outside the bar. There are quite a few names on it, but what would Liam know about that, him being illiterate and all.  Liam heres a jingle of keys and turns around. It’s the drunk guy from the pub. Dyed blond hair, and pale skin, he’s attractive, and also quite clearly pissed. He looks like he could fall to the floor at any minute. Liam winces in support of the hangover that guys going to have in the morning.

“You’re not planning to drive that are you?” Liam asks, crossing his arms over his chest. The drunk looks puzzles for a moment before turning to look at his care.

“No?” He says, in what is unmistakably an irish accent.

Liam grins and goes back to inspecting the fountain. There’s some minor graffiti on it that he’ll have to report in the morning. He’s trying to decode what has been written when he hears the unmistakable screech of tires on cobbled roads. He ducks to the side, quickly avoiding becoming roadkill. Shame, he’d rather been liking the blond drunk.

“Right, we’re going to the station.” Liam says, pulling the guy out of his car. Drunk gives him a sheepish grin, as Liam, embarrassed, asks where the station is.

They come across drunken teens every which way, one pissing in the street, and another wearing a traffic cone. Liam parades them all into the station, like Peter Pan heralding the Lost Boys.

The man sitting at the desk is boredly playing Angry Birds on his phone, clearly regretting having drawn the short stick regarding the night shift.

“Liam Payne” Liam says, holding up his badge at the man with a grin. He raises his eyebrows.

“When did you start then?” The man asks.

Liam frowns. “Tomorrow.”

The man laughs. “I guess you’re eager for the job then, already arrested half the village.”

“Not really” Liam frowns, he’s only got about a crowd of six people following him, but the mans stopped paying attention to him and is now looking at the drunk irishman.

“You in for the night, then?” The man, Justin his name tag displays, laughs, nodding his head towards the inside of the station.

The drunken irishman laughs and nods, starting to walk inside the station.

Justin grins “Alright then, number fives free.”

Liam frowns “Hold up, I wanna talk to him.”

“He’ll be no use till the morning, you can talk to him then.” Justin waves him off. Liam nods, not fully happy with the answer. “Are you sure you wanna process all these guys? My pens just run out of ink.” Justin shakes his pen in Liam’s face.

“No problem.” Liam states, pulling 5 pens out of his pocket. He’s exceptional at paperwork, if he does say so himself. It’s easy, all routine. He loves the simplicity of it. He’s done within the hour, and so satisfied for his job that he falls asleep easy for the first time in months.

**  
  
**

He goes for his morning run, as usual despite the change in location, taking Loki with him. It’s a good village for running, all parks and greenery. People seem to recognize him though, or at least, recognize him as a new face in town, and realize that he must be the new sergeant. it’s disconcerting, different from the cold indifference received in london. villages are different. liam needs to accept that.  Loki is having fun though, and he’s enjoying being acknowledged by the many people in town.

“Lock me up.” This woman has run up alongside him, and is speaking loud at him.

“I’m sorry?”

“I’m a slasher and I must be stopped.”

“You’re a what?” Liam yells, terrified.

“A slasher of prices!” Liams brows wrinkle together. “I’m Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, but you can call me Gaga. I run the local supermarket! You should come visit sometime! my sales, are criminal!”

Liam nods, at a lack for anything else to say. He’s a bit creeped out if anything, but It’s his job to be an asset to the community. He can’t slack off, this town is depending on him.

The run takes him all around the town, which provides a good way to look at routes around town. He’s trying to learn routes in case he needs to chase down a suspect, somehow he doubts that’ll happen in a town like this, but it’s always good to be prepared.

The run lasts around forty minutes and by the end liam is covered in sweat and loki is panting. Liam takes a quick shower before getting dressed and walking to the station. He hasn’t got a car, but he’s not sure he’ll need one. Everythings within walking distance, as long as he times it well enough.

He walks into the station, surprised to find that sitting at the desk is the same man from before, if a bit surlier. Liam smiles at him but just receives a look in return.

“Could you tell the inspector I’ve arrived please?” He says, trying to remain polite in spite of the glare thats being aimed at him.

“No.” The man says rudely, looking back down at his book. Liam’s confused, he realizes the mans had a long shift but it can't be too hard to relay a message to the inspector.

He pouts. “Why not?”

“He’s not in yet.” The man snaps. Liam feels a bit stupid but he continues on.

“How’s our guest then?”

“Guest?”

“The drunk lad in cell 5?” Liam’s guessing that he must be a twin or something. It seems more likely that there are identical twins than him forgetting everything from last night.

“Nobody tells me anything.”

Liam walks away, still not quite understanding what happened in that exchange. he needs to have a talk to the drunk before he leaves though, he wants to impress upon him the true nature of what his crime could have done.

He looks in but it looks empty. Liams worried.

“Can I get Cell 5 open, please?” He yells.

“Niall, can I get cell five open?”

There’s a loud beep as the cell door opens. Liam swears.

“He’s gone!”

“Who’s gone?” Sounds a distinctly irish voice from behind him. Liam turns around, only to see a beaming face.

Liam stares. “Why are you dressed like a police officer?”

“Because I am one?” Niall trails off.

Liam was going to continue his interrogation but he’s interrupted  as a man with a rectangular face walks into the room, smiling.

“Sergeant Payne, good to finally see you. I’m Simon Cowell, I see you’ve already met my nephew.” The Inspector says, throwing an arm around Niall’s shoulders while he laughs. Liam sighs. So much for that talk. He’s been told he’s a bit dim, but he can read this situation. NIall’s the inspectors nephew, stupid, but untouchable.

Liam nods, giving a cold smile.

Simon starts walking towards his office, so Liam and Niall follow, Niall nudging his shoulder and grinning at him.

The office is well furbished, a couple pictures of family, and albums of music stacked on top of each other.

“Forgive me, I’m a huge music fan” Simon says, brushing a few CDs out of the way “That was quite a few people you rounded up last night though.”

Liam nods smiling “Thanks.”

“I admire your enthusiasm, but this isn’t London.” Liams eyebrows draw together. Niall is waving a small piece cake in front of Simon’s face.

“Thanks, Niall.” Simon says, grabbing the cake and breaking a piece off with a plastic fork.

Liam frowns. “With all respect, sir, geographical location doesn’t factor in the application of the law.” He should know, having taken geography at gcses. Niall pushes a piece of cake in Liam’s face now, while Liam shakes his head.

“According to statistics, Sandford is the safest village in all of England. But it still needs nothing but a careful hand.”  Simon says taking a bite out of his cake. “There’s a reason we allow some of the kids in the pub.”

“The greater good?” asks Liam, remembering the phrase from last night. Still creepy, but maybe it’s some slogan.

“The greater good.” Simon says, nodding. “The man you’re replacing thought this job would be easy. Ended up having a nervous breakdown. And Sergeant Parker was a fine officer. And he had one thing you haven’t.” Inspector Cowell is serious now.

“What’s that sir?”

“Far too many piercings” Simon’s laughing now. “Come on, we’ll give you a tour of the office.” Inspector Cowell pushing Niall in front of him.

They walk around a bit, the office seems mostly standard if not for the disuse of the riot room and the evidence room. Simon stops them there.

“How about a trip to the Cacti?” He says, knocking on the door to an office. Walking in, there are two men sitting, feet on their desks, one of them smoking. They both aim a glare at him, and then the phone when it starts ringing.

“Detective Sergeant Tomlinson, and Detective Constable Malik.” Simon says, pointing to the light skinned one with the grim first, and then the darker, more apathetic looking one. They nod at Liam, and he gives them a smile.

Simon gestures towards the phone “Don’t get up.” he sighs, and then walks out, taking Niall and Liam with him.

“I bet you’re curious why we call ‘em the Cacti?” Simon says, a smirk on his face.

“Is it because they both style their hair in that spiky way?” Liam says, smiling softly. It’s nice to see some camaraderie.

“They said you were good.” Simon sounds delighted.

“Also cause they’re such pricks, innit, uncle si” says niall laughing. then he’s hit in the head by two consecutive phone books. “FECK OFF.” He yells back into the room.

“Thanks Niall.” Says Simon wryly.

 

They walk into a main room filled with loads of desks and whiteboards. “THis is where it all happens” says simon triumphantly, holding his arms around.

“This is Sergeant Perrie Edwards” Simon says, grinning and pointing to a pretty blonde woman who waves at him.

“PC Jade Thirlwall” A very pretty tanned woman, with dyed hair, who’s holding onto Perries hand.

“Bruce” A german shepherd barks at him. Liam resists the urge to make any avengers jokes.

“And this, is PC Harry Styles.” A young man with curls grins up at him from his desk. It’s only now that Liam realizes that all of them are eating cake.

“I could’ve shown you round, I’ve been round the station a few times.” Harry says with a wink. Liam smiles cautiously at him. Simon steers him upstairs.

They come to a small office, where a pretty young woman with short bleached hair is watching over some camera film. She smiles at him.

“I didn't realize we had such handsome visitors.” She says, giving Niall a wink.

“Liam, this is Miley Cyrus, civilian liaison with the Neighborhood Watch.” Simon says, leaning his hand on her chair.

“I watch most of the city from up here, you’ll see we run a tight ship! Gotta says, I was admiring you last night.” She says with a smirk, changing the footage so it shows him arresting people from last night. Liam blushes. “Pity you didn’t deal with those hoodies.” She frowns. “Always hanging around, loitering.”

Liam steps forward briefly “I did notice a small amount of graffiti on the fountain last night.”

“Graffiti?” Miley looks panicked. “We’ve gotta do something about them, Simon.” She says shaking her head. “That reminds me, our old friend, the living statue was here again, 11 AM to 5 PM. If we don’t show these guys the rules, we’re going to be up to your balls in sweaty jugglers.” She says, wrinkling her nose.

“We’ll get right on it Miley.” Simon says, laughing and leaving the room.

“Well that’s that done! Unless you’re unsure about anything?” Simon says stoping on the stairwell.

Liam bites his lip before speaking up. “Actually, sir, why is everyone eating cake? Is it someone’s birthday?” Liam will feel terrible if he’s missed someones birthday. Its the perfect way to get off on the wrong foot.

Simon smiles “No, no. The chocolate fudge cake is on Niall, as punishment for his small indiscretion.”

Liam is suddenly furious “Sir, I don’t think driving under the influence can be called a little indiscretion!” He’s almost yelling now, and NIall looks terribly uncomfortable.

“No, the cake was for misplacing his helmet last week. THis incident will require something a little more serious.” Simon says, and Liam relaxes.

“Good.”

“Do you like ice cream? Because we won’t be short of Ben & Jerry's for the next month!” Simon crows, gleeful.

Niall groans. “Uncle Si!” He yells, lengthening the ‘i’ at the end of his name. Simon laughs.

“Now, since it’s your first day, and it’s 11:30, I’d say thats lunch!” Niall cheers. Liam is really unsure about this job. It seems all pretense, no actual police work. But Liam will make do. He knows he’s good at his job, and he knows what to do for his job. He can do this, until Inspector Perry realizes her mistake.

**  
  
**

The pub isn’t too crowded, and everyone bar liam have a pint. A few remarks are made along the lines of “thinks he too good” but they’re shut up when Liam remarks upon his liver condition (even though that hasn’t been a problem for years).

Perrie smiles at him, and Liam’s glad to see at least a somewhat friendly face “So, what made you choose Sandford then, Sergeant Payne?”

Liam frowns, knowing that this isn’t going to make him popular “I wasn’t actually given a choice.”

Perrie’s smile slips off “Oh, so it wasn’t your choice to come down here and tell us how to do our jobs?”

Louis, who is squishing Zayn between himself and Perrie, shoots him a glare.

“Look, I promise it wasn’t my intention to upset the apple cart.” Liam swears that’s a phrase, maybe he’s heard his mum say it once.

Louis’ glare grows harsher. “Yeah, cause we all sell apples round here.” Liam should’ve known better, he goes to apologize but he’s interrupted before he can say anything.

“Your mum sells apples, doesn’t she, Lou?” Niall says, grinning.

“And raspberries” says Louis, tilting his head to the side.

The conversation lulls for a few moments as the have a bite to eat. Liam is grateful for the silence and the lack of interrogation, even if the silence can’t last.

“Why’ve you got your stab vest on?” Harry asks, with a grin, probably with some filthy pun in mind. The Spanish Inquisition returns Liam thinks, sighing internally.

“It’s required uniform, isn’t it?”

“Not in the country, dumbass.” says Louis with a smile. Hopefully Liam’s getting a bit less hated. “Nobodys gonna stab you in here, sargent. Not in public anyway.” People start snickering, except Niall who gives him a look.

“Have you ever been stabbed, Detective Sergeant Tomlinson?” Liam asks, dead serious.

Louis looks sheepish. “No.”

“I have. And I can promise, it’s not the least bit funny.” Liam states, staring Tomlinson down.

Niall, as unobtrusively as he can, scoots closer to Liam. Liam side eyes him.

“Have you seen a lot of action then, Sergeant Payne?” Niall says, grinning at him.

“I’ve seen quite a bit, yes.” Liam says nodding.

“Did you cook any fools?” Liams pretty sure his confusion must show on his face. Niall rolls his eyes “D’you shoot anybody?”

Zayn’s eyes light up “He shot a crackhead with a Kalashnikov.”

Niall makes a noise deep in his throat in admiration. Liam is trying so hard not to find him attractive. “Where did you get that?”

“The criminal had the Kalashnikov.” Liam replies. He didn’t really want to talk about this, but the cats out of the bag now, he probably won’t be able to avoid talking about it.

“Where’d he’d get that?” Niall laughs, entranced by the very vague story. Liam is about to make a comment stating that he Does Not Want To Talk About This when he’s interrupted yet again. Liam wonders if there’s something in his face that makes people want to interrupt him. Maybe he’s too allowing of people.

“You do know there are more guns in the country than there are in the city?” Zayn interrupts, a smirk on his face.

“Everybody and their mums are packing round here.” Louis continues on from him, draping himself across Zayn and Perrie. Liam is guessing some threesome stuff is going on there.

“Like who?” asks Liam, concerned about the gun levels in this village.

“Farmers.” says Louis with a shrug.

“And?”

“Farmer’s mums.” Zayn trails off. Liam is concerned that there may be an outbreak of mind reading in this office. It’s worrying.

“What’s it like? being stabbed?” Niall asks, scooting ever closer to Liam. Liam wonders if he has any boundaries at all.

“It was the single most painful experience of my life.” Liam says, hoping that will get Niall off his case.

“What was the second most painful experience?” Niall replies, leaning in close to Liams face. Liam is Doomed. So doomed. He slams his face into the table. Everyone politely ignores him.

**  
  
**

The next few hours are excruciating. He knows that he needs to be on good terms with Niall, as they’re going to be working together until Inspector Perry realizes their mistakes. But, God, is the man frustrating. He asks constant questions, following Liam up and down the street as they patrol, asking question after question about London. Liam finally agrees to go into the shop to avoid anymore questions.

The woman in the shop has a walky talky on her desk and there's a buzz of noise as someone speaks to her.

“Annette, that Sergeant Paynes in your office. Get a look at his arms.” Liam pretends not to notice. Niall just laughs, buying his cornetto and biting into it happily.

Later, while they patrol up and down the high street once more, Niall takes to questioning about his taste in films. Liam mostly likes superhero movies, and other than the occasional marvel or DC flick he and Danielle caught, he hasn’t seen many movies in ages. Niall takes this as confirmation that he’s been living under a rock.

“You haven’t seen Bad Boys II??” He yells, while Liam subtly tries to walk faster and get away from the questions.

The day drags on for what seems like years, Niall falling silent only while he eats (the man seems to have an endless pit where a stomach should be) and the rest of the time interrogating Liam.

Eventually they end up in the locker room, getting changed as Niall makes chit chat.

“Helluva day, huh?” Niall says amiably.

“Yup.”

“Same again tomorrow?”

“Yup.”

**  
  
**

And that’s the extent of their conversation. Liam’s glad for the respite, especially since he’s going to need to stay polite and kind at the Neighborhood Watch meeting tonight. He know’s as a new police officer, he has to make an effort to engage in the community and this seemed like the fastest way to do it.

In the end, they make a huge fuss over him. There’s a bunch of welcoming flowers, expertly put together by local gardener  He gets introduced in rounds, starts learning people’s names. Liam is excellent at remembering names, it makes him well liked he thinks. It’s always nice to have your name remembered.

He’s introduced to Gaga again, who claims they're already good friends which is mildly terrifying, but he imagines it’ll be useful at some point. Hopefully.

The whole thing is proving to be quite useful at establishing himself into the community until they actually start on the meeting. It starts with an announcement that someone in the community has had twins. It only goes downhill from there.

There’s talk of the living statue, and the problem with the hoodies, and everyone is so focused on the tiniest of problems. Liam is bored out of his skull. THis is nothing like London. He misses his home and he misses the few friends he had, and he misses Danielle. Even after they broke up, she was still the best friend he had.

He goes home, walks Loki, and does press ups until he’s tired enough to sleep. He’s restless the whole time. He doesn’t know how long he can live this.

**  
  
**

The next day starts with a talk at the local elementary. The principal, Taylor Swift, had been at the Neighborhood Watch meeting last night, and had been so enthusiastic that Liam couldn’t say no. Niall had tagged along, and was sitting in the crowd while Liam gave his speech. It was intentionally boring, meant to weed out the kids who just wanted to be a police officer because it sounded cool from those who were truly passionate about the law.

His plan was interrupted when he asked if he had any questions. Niall was the only one to put his hand up. Liam sighed.

“Yes?”

“Is it true that there’s a place in a man’s head, that if you shoot at it, it will explode?” Niall asks, eyes wide. Liam has to repress a growl.

A local journalist, NIck Grimshaw he introduces himself as, takes a picture, suggesting a bunch of awful puns for the headline. It’s almost worse when the paper actually comes out.

“Top Cop Pain gives talk at Elementary.” He sees it at breakfast the next morning, already worried about the jokes that will be made at the station.

**  
  
**

Arriving at the station, someone’s taped the article to his locker, circled “pain” and added on “in the arse”. Liam can’t say he hasn’t heard that one before. Niall nudges him sympathetically.

“That weren’t me.”

The rest of the day he’s greeted with “Morning/Afternoon Payne in the Arse” over and over again. It hurts a little at first, but Liam was bullied for years. He has experience in this, hasn’t ever really needed friends. He has Loki, and he can call Danielle sometimes, and that’s enough for him. There’s always his family if he gets really lonely.

He sits at his desk for a little while, filling out some paperwork and regretting every decision that's brought him to this town, when the phone rings.

“Sergeant Payne.” He answers.

“Morning, the swans escaped.” Liam cannot believe this. Have prank calls really degenerated to the point where jokes are about missing swans now? He’s heard better prank calls in his sleep.

“The swans escaped.”

**  
  
  
**

Niall and Liam spend the next few hours searching for the swan. Niall treats it all like a joke, laughing and whining about how hungry he is. Eventually he starts showing Liam his “swan impression” which sounds more like he’s being strangled than anything else.

Unfortunately, it actually manages to attract the swan to them, which then chases them, and neither of them are really sure what to do except run. They give up on the swan for today, heading back into town. The doorbell of the tuck shop bleeps as they walk in.

“No luck catching them swans, then?” the woman at the counter asks NIall, smiling.

“Oh, there’s only one swan actually.” says Niall, and Liam makes sure not to notice how the ‘th’ sound changes in his irish accent. Liam does not find Niall’s accent cute.

They end up back in the car, as Niall happily licks at his cornetto. Liam is not looking at him licking melted ice cream of his arm. He is Not Looking.

“Want anything from the shop?” Niall asks, grinning as he crunches the last bites of his cone.

Liam can feel a sigh building up in him. "We just went to the shop! You can’t be hungry again already?”

“Well I’m a growing boy, ain’t I? But no, I was thinking about another shop.”

“Constable Horan” Liam starts on a rant “You can’t just do your personal errands on the job! It’s irresponsi-”

Niall slaps a hand over his mouth, grinning “Well, there’s never anything going on here. It’s not like we’d be missing out on anything.”

Liam rips himself away from Niall’s hand. “There’s always something going on, you just have to look a little closer.” Liam searches for something to conclude his point. An elderly man in a huge coat is walking past and Liam’s eyes light up.

“What about this guy, then? Why’s he got that big coat on?”

“Mr. Treacher?”

“He can’t be cold, it’s the middle of summer.” Liam continues. Niall just laughs at him. Liam can tell this point won’t be taken to heart.

A boy in a purple tracksuit with a purple cap walks past, trousers sagging down, and posture tilted downward. he’s hiding his face with his cap.

“How about this guy then? Why’s he got his hat pulled down like that?” Liam’s getting irritated now.

“Cause he’s fuck ugly.” Niall is still laughing.

“Or maybe he doesn’t want us to see his face?”

“Cause he’s fuck ugly.” Niall repeats, wheezing now with laughter.

Liam gives up.

Liam has given up, so he might as well ask. “What shop were you thinking of then?”

Niall gets a grin on his face, before driving them to the supermarket parking lot. Niall quickly runs to the bargain bin of movies, looking through them and cackling to himself every few minutes. Liam rolls his eyes.

Liam starts to wander through the store, looking for the food he knows he’ll buy. There’s some deals on pasta, and though he’s not a great cook, that’s one thing he can’t fail at.

“Sergeant Payne to the managers office, managers office, Sergeant Payne.” the woman over the intercom sounds bored, but Liam needs to do his job. He rushes to the managers office.

“Ah. Sergeant Payne. or is it Pain?” Gaga says, grinning, her high heels perched on her desk. “Sorry, that doesn’t work tpo well when you say it out loud.” She wrinkles her nose.

The bored-looking woman sitting on her desk nudges Gaga’s shoulder. “Lady Gaga, a baby’s puked in aisle 6.”

Gaga wrinkles her nose again. “Sorry about this. Powell? Child vomit, aisle six. mop it up.”

The man nods, and walks away. Liam is a bit confused.

“Excuse me, ma’am. Is there a problem?”

“Oh, no no! Not at all. Just wanted to tell you how nice it is of you to support your local supermarket. So many have defected to the megamart one town ever. So disloyal, they should be stoned.” He’s actually a little creeped out now.

“Yes, well, I’m actually on the clock right now, so please excuse me.”

“Oh, sorry to bother you! I just saw you hanging with the organic vegetables and assumed you had time on your hands.” Gaga says innocently, smiling at him.

Liam spots something on the screen and frowns. “Maybe I’m not the one you should be keeping an eye on.”

Gaga frowns, looking at the screen, where a tanned woman with bleach blonde hair and a skin tight dress is stepping out of a pink car.

“That’s Nicki MInaj, made a fortune in kitchen goods. Built that monstros house on Bueller Avenue.” Gaga says, distaste running through her voice.

“Actually, I wasn’t talking about her. I was talking about him” Liam points to another screen of community camera footage, where the boy in the purple tracksuit from before is shoving a packet of biscuits into his pocket. Liam can see his face now. He’s ginger and freckled.

“Excuse me” says Liam, rushing out the door. He runs all the way to the biscuit aisle (it’s not really a biscuit aisle it’s a confectionary aisle for some reason they keep biscuits there)

“Excuse me” Liam repeats, this time to the young shoplifter. The boy has panic in his eyes, he looks like a squirrel.

Niall is somewhere across the store, still browsing through movies, Liam thinks he saw one of the later Jackie Chan ones somewhere in the box. It doesn’t look good for Niall. Liam runs past him, and waving his hand indicating that he should follow. Niall runs following grinning.

He runs through the town, and into the park.

“What scared to take a shortcut, Nialler?” He grins, before jumping over the first fence. Niall grins and crashes into the next one. Liam’s a little worried, but he has to catch the criminal.

He grabs a can of graffiti from a passing school boy and throws it at the criminal. His aim is fine and he manages to hit the kid.

He goes through the men's rights while he pants, Niall finally catching up to him. The boy nods at Niall

“Hey, Niall.”

“Aight, Ed?”

“You know him?”

“Yeah, he’s Harry's friend! We used to get drunk together.”

“And you didn’t mention this before?”

“Well I would’ve if I’d seen his face right? but i couldn’t.”

Liam sighs. He can’t believe this boy.

Niall and him take Ed down to the station, whereupon liam immediately starts working on the collar for him. Liam loves paperwork really, he know’s it's generally thought to be the most hated part of the job, but it’s relaxing in its procedures.

Perrie walks up behind him, looking at his paperwork. “Impressive work, Pain-in-the-arse. Shame Gaga isn’t gonna press charges.”

“What? Why not?”

Gaga walks in, offering a biscuit to Liam. “I’m simply thinking that everyone deserves a second chance! You don’t want him to become a statistic, do you?” She frowns.

“Besides, I’m sure he’s learnt an important lesson, eh Pezza?” She nudges Perrie with her elbow, before offering her a biscuit.

“Stealing biscuits is wrong?” Perrie grins.

“Correct.”

“Thanks.”

“But we’re responding by not taking any action?”

“Well, that’s the way the cookie crumbles eh.”

Liam pouts “Gaga, excuse me-”

“Is anything wrong, Sergeant Payne?” Simon walks in.

“Well, sir, Gaga feels it would be better not to prosecute the individual even though he’s committed a blatant offense.”

“Dont worry about it Liam, we’ll make sure everybody gets their best desserts.”

**  
  
**

“Have you ever seen Point Break, Liam?” Niall asks him. They’re sitting in the car recording traffic speeds. It’s pretty boring.

“No.”

“There’s this amazing bit in Point Break, where they’re jumping over fences, just like we were earlier! or at least you were.” Niall starts laughing again.

“Is there now? Twenty nine.” He says looking at the speed detector.

“Patrick Swayzes robbing this bank, yeah? and Keanu Reeves is chasing after him through people’s gardens, and he goes to shoot Swayze but he can’t cuz he loves him too much, so he starts like, shooting his gun in the air and screaming, like “aaargh”.”

“Forty.” Liam says, putting as much boredom into his voice as he can muster.

“Have you ever, like, been firing up in the air and gone ‘aargh’?”

“No, I have not ever fired my gun up in the air and gone ‘aargh’” yells liam, frustrated and tired.

“40” says Niall, pointing at the speedometer, frowning and looking apologetic. “Sorry, I... I feel like i’m missing out sometimes you know? I wanna do what you do?”

“You do do what I do? We work together. What do you think you’re missing out on?”

“You know, like, gunfights, car fights. all the proper action type shit.” niall groans, ruffling his hair.

“Police work is not about proper action, or shit.”

“Twenty-nine.” Niall laughs, like Liam’s told the best joke in the world and it’s almost enough to make Liam like the most boring job on earth.

****  
  



End file.
